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Take out the grabage before the wife gets home

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 A couple of weeks ago, I bought my wife a dozen roses. The occasion, you ask? Do you really have to ask? It’s called planning ahead or preventative maintenance. Some may even put it in the same category as early season preparation. The funny thing is, she knows my schemes. She laughs at the brazen way I ease the shock of another deer season where she becomes a hunting widow. 

Hunter, musician and author, Steve Chapman has written that for every dollar that I spend on my hunting, I should spend another dollar on my wife. Now Steve, I know that you’ve sold more outdoor books than the rest of us put together, but that’s one book that I’ll never let my wife read. In fact, I burned my last copy after reading it. The evidence is gone and I’m refusing to give this valuable space in mentioning its title. I figure perhaps a 75/25 split is fair enough. After all, I’m bringing home the meat. Wait a minute, my wife just reminded me that that meat translates to about $65.00 per pound. I hate when she’s right. I guess she didn’t believe me when I told her that I gave $99.00 for that new PSE XForce. 

My wife and I have been married more than 30 years. I didn’t know that I was actually marrying an alien. Not an alien from another country, but from another planet. She consistently and successfully reads my mind. She can look in my eyes and determine truth from lies. Her gaze, in contrast, causes me to apologize for things that I never even knew I did. And with a simple childlike obedience, I am programmed to say, “I was wrong.” 

So why the roses? I think she telepathically told me that she wanted roses. She wanted me to think that I was in control and that I would surprise her with my spontaneous gift. In truth, this was another ploy of hers just to remind me that she knew deer season was just around the corner and for me to make sure that I still understood that she has the power, with just one look, to make these next few months a blessing or a curse. I’ve got to go now. I can feel her telling me to take out the garbage before she gets home. 

Contact Gary Miller at gary@outdoortruths.org.